The other day, Things I Want to Punch in the Face features People Who Don’t Leave a Message.
Do you think, amongst my superpowers, that I can read minds? Did you accidentally ring me when you sat on your Blackberry? Are you an Amish child who thinks, like a camera, my phone will steal your soul? Are you trying to be all mysterious and shit so that my curiosity will be piqued? What the eff do you want?
She then goes on to say you should just leave one message before getting back to what I think was her original complaint. Except her complaint seems to be against people who don’t leave messages but who are passive-aggressive about getting in touch with you when they finally do. I agree, that’s annoying.
But the issue isn’t that they didn’t leave a message. The issue here is that those people are silly, foolish, manipulative people.
Do you know who I want to punch in the face? People who leave messages.
I hate talking on the phone. I especially hate having to retrieve a message which is usually 45 minutes long and amounts to “call me back.” I nearly always delete a message as soon as I know who left it and just call them back.
So, I rarely leave messages for people. If I call and they don’t answer, I hang up and think, “I’ll just call back another time.” Why? Because it’s not that important that I speak to them.
If it IS important that I speak to them, here’s how my message usually goes:
Hello! This is Trey Givens from Company X. My number is 123.555.1234. I’m calling in regard to [insert BRIEF summary]. Please call me back at your earliest convenience. Again, this is Trey Givens from Company X and my number is 123.555.1234. That’s 123.555.1234.
I say my phone number three times. I say it once at the beginning in the event that the poor soul has to listen to the message more than once and I say it twice at the end in hopes of helping them avoid listening to it again. I say my number slowly and clearly so they can write it down. Phone courtesy, people!
But I never leave a message unless I want them to call me back. If no message, then I don’t expect a call back. You needn’t worry your pretty little head about what my intentions were with that phone call because I didn’t leave a message. My intentions obviously weren’t that important.
And if someone pulls their passive-aggressive shtick with you, laugh and say, “Yes, I’ve been so busy lately because I’m so beautiful and popular and, regretfully, my charities have been completely neglected. How can I help you today, dear friend?”
So, if someone doesn’t leave a message, you don’t have to punch them in the face. Just ignore it. Cut back on your caffeine or something. Go have another drink. Let other people worry about their popularity/intentions/pocket dialing/Amishness/Whatever. Relax.
Update: I just left this comment because I was so annoyed with the post and the commenters on the chain:
If someone doesn’t leave a message, why do you worry about it at all? They don’t want you to call back, because if they did, they’d leave a message.
It’s not an adult version of “tag” because tag with the phone would involve leaving messages and asking you to call back.
If someone gets passive-aggressive with you, then I recommend that you indulge them with a response such as “Yes, I’ve been so busy lately because I’m so beautiful and popular and, regretfully, my charities have been completely neglected. How can I help you today, dear friend?” Why? Because they’re the ones being childish with some sort of expectation that you’re going to be beside the phone at every minute awaiting their calls or, as you mention, that you’re psychic and will know they want a call back.
As for not listening to messages, if your message is appropriately brief, then it should amount to simply saying, “Please call me back” otherwise you’re probably leaving an excess of detail and further delaying that person’s day.
I will grant that there are situations where the message might be, “Don’t call me back. I just wanted to let you know X.” But since I hate getting messages, I will wonder why you didn’t just text or email instead of leaving me a voicemail, which is the equivalent of finding a random, unmarked envelope containing a vortex of time suckage. I can read faster than you can talk, so write it down!
Update 2: One commenter posted a link to this funny comic which illustrates one of the reasons why I hate voicemail.
Generally I agree. I’ll only leave messages if the person is expecting a call from me, is a stranger and I require a callback or as you said it’s important and following a similar formula to yours.
I have a different complaint. Don’t call me when you meant to email me, and don’t email me when it needs to be a call.
If you need immediate feedback use the phone. If you are so confused or ignorant of the subject you need to ask me about that you can’t even form a proper question, then again you have to use the phone so I can provide immediate feedback allowing you to learn what you are trying to ask.
If you just need to acknowledge that you’ve received something from, or provide me access to simple information then email is the right tool.
Also as telephone conversations can end in two people having vastly different interpretations of the result of the call, I find a one sentence summary email of the call can often be in order. “Hi, we just spoke about X and decided that you would gather further information and report back. I am not going to take any action.”
This is more than just CYA, it’s an opportunity to discover an error resulting from poor communication immediately. Rather than next Tuesday when the client will be pissed because we don’t know how to talk to each other.
I’m also completely biased here because I hate talking on the phone. I would be perfectly happy to text and email my way through life.
And the email after the phone call thing is something I very much agree with.
So nice to know I’m not alone in hating talking on the phone. In person or e-mail I love, phone I hate.