Reading through the article on Bromosexuals, I am struck by the implication that these fellows behave in exactly the same way in all contexts, excepting, of course, that Mets fan the article mentioned. A great number of people seem to walk around with the belief that, regardless of where they are or what they do, they are utterly “visible” to the world, particularly when it comes to whether or not they are gay or straight.
As I mentioned in that post, I drop hints to people about my sexuality to people who might be misled. For example, if someone comments on an attractive woman, I might say something like, “Well, you know that’s not for me, but I agree she’s very attractive.” Or if someone talks about marriage, I might make a comment about not being permitted to marry or some such. If appropriate, I will sometimes toss in a stereotypically gay remark, too, like if people are talking about television shows, I’ll mention Project Runway or Real Housewives of New York, even though my favorite shows right now are Caprica, 30 Rock, and other “non-gay” fare.
But I have to emphasize that I only make these remarks and comments where it is socially appropriate and relevant, like at parties or in crowds of mixed company. I do not do this for clients or business associates like that. And among gay friends I may gay it up a little further. And on dates, I’m just plain gay silly.
Perhaps the consciousness with which I modulate my behavior is remarkable but that I do it isn’t.
My sister is three years younger than I am and it was early in high school or late in middle school when I became particularly conscious of modifying my behavior for particular contexts. My sister commented frequently that she saw it as being disingenuous. She would usually remark on it during church. At church, I would smile and shake hands. I would be personable, polite, and charming. Even if she and I had been screaming at one another in the car minutes before, I would compose myself for the new context quickly and merge effortlessly into the crowd. And she would elbow me in the ribs for using what she called my “fake smile.”
I think her view of this is really just absurd. It isn’t appropriate, relevant, or even anyone’s business for me to go around broadcasting my every thought, mood, and emotion.
Just because you have sex behind closed doors does not in any way justify having sex in the supermarket. Similarly, while shooting at people in war is mandatory, I would hope soldiers would not scream in my face or discharge firearms in restaurants.
Behavior is contextual from the gross to the discrete levels. Manners, charm, and poise are about modulating behavior so that it is appropriate for the venue and company you’re in. It’s all about context.
You guys see a lot of me here on the internet. You see me angry. You see me happy. Sometimes you see me when I’m bummed out. You often see me being silly. But you don’t see all of me. There are certain aspects of my life and personality that you won’t and can’t see via the internet or even if we were friends in real life.
It isn’t an indictment of anyone’s character to say that you act differently in different places. But a lot of people like to pretend as if they never change from place to place or time to time. What a boring person you’d be if you really were that way!
I think it is important to understand the reason for modifying your behavior. Is it to fit the context (as in the case you describe above) or to hide your true personality/traits (as a typical closet case like I was describing in the last post). One is good and the other can be very unhealthy.
Yeah, but that’s not the topic of this post.
My point here is that everyone behaves differently in different contexts and that in itself doesn’t mean anything. And in fact, it would be wrong NOT to do that.
I think I should be even more clear here in case someone misunderstands: I don’t disagree with what you’re saying. The reasons for modifying your behavior might be irrational or even evil. It’s just that THAT particular question is really big and not what I wanted to get into here.
I similarly “turn up the gay” in some contexts. Not just the gay, but in situations where I’m around a lot of people who don’t know me very well, I’ll intentionally exaggerate my major personality traits as a way of communicating who I am easily. Sometimes it’s led to people thinking I’m a lot more gay than I actually am in normal contexts interacting with people who know me very well, but that’s ok.
don’t put too much into that article. i have hooked up w/ one of those interviewed and he isn’t as straight-acting as he’d have you believe. ha.