I just learned the term “bromosexual” from Kenneth in the 212. It’s the term for “openly gay men [who are] mistaken for straight.” There’s an article about it.
99.99% of people (That’s the number pulled out of my head because I don’t actually know) know I’m gay upon meeting me, and I do make some effort to send out signals to people who seem like they might be caught unawares, but every now and then I run into people who just don’t realize it. Two such instances stand out in my head.
Ironically, one of them was when I was in a gay bar in Boston. This guy named David, I think, kept walking by me and the female friend I was with and eventually he went up to her and asked, “Is that your boyfriend?” And then “Is he gay?” I have no idea what made him think that except maybe the fact that I was with a lady. But, HELLO! Gay bar! I know some girls drag straight boys to gay bars, but mostly it’s gay boys there. Cuz it’s a gay bar. And also look at me for a second. This is the face of a man completely unburdened with heterosexuality.
The second instance was at a business school Christmas party. I was chatting with this guy who had been in classes with me for two years. He knew me. He’d heard me speak in class and seen me interact with my fellow students. And we’re standing there chatting and he said something about his wife and all that stuff and then he said, “Are you married? Girlfriend?” And he said it in a completely nonchalant, innocent way. I freaked out. I said, “What? Oh. OH! OH. Ooohhhh. Ahh… Whoa. No, I’m gay.” He apologized and said he didn’t know and I said he didn’t have to apologize, it just surprised me to be asked that. Anyway, he excused himself from the conversation a minute or two later. Very strange.
I know there are a lot of gays out there who prefer “straight” guys and, I suppose, bromosexuals because they’re “straight-acting.” I know people have their preferences and I myself prefer more masculine men. But I regard heteronormative posturing as decidedly unmasculine. It’s one thing if you’re at ease in your body and manage a sophisticated but not-fussy appearance. It’s quite another if you plaster your body with Hollister and Abercrombie & Fitch and show up to the neighborhood’s only gay “sports bar” because you think that makes you butch. It’s about authenticity.
I see it going both ways because I have the same reaction to those (usually) young gays who squeal and cartwheel around in t-shirts from Baby Gap.
So, maybe that’s the essence of it, authenticity. And maybe that’s how I and others sometimes get mistaken for being straight. If you’re comfortable and unprepossessing about your homosexuality, then people fall back on the default assumption that everyone is straight.
I know of one guy who actually went back in the closet because he prefers straight/closeted guys and apparently it’s easier to get them that way. It seems like that makes it pretty damn hard to do much more than trick around with them but whatever, not my life.
Maybe you should write something on “How to operate your Gaydar” for those who didn’t know you were gay. ‘Cuz, yah, you’re pretty gay. For the record, my gaydar is unerring. Except that one time it erred.
also: lolling for real @ Baby Gap.
I have exactly the opposite problem from you. In my work life I would guess 80% or so assume I am straight. Part of that is probably my work environment. I have also had funny situations where my straight best friend and I are having drinks at the local gay establishment that end up with a random guy pointing at me saying “I thought he was the straight one!”
You are absolutely right that the key is authenticity. I am not big on the cartwheeling Baby Gap t-shirt crowd either. Worse are the people who have a split personality between the ‘gay’ and ’straight’ scene. Neither is real.