Scary. I’m Not Saying “Stalker,” but This Is as Close as I Care to Get.
Sunday, August 15th, 2010As long-time readers of this blog know, I’ve maintained an alias, Trey Givens, for my online life. It’s not impossible to track me down in real life using that alias, but one does have to put forth a little more effort. In maintaining that alias, I also filtered personal details from the internet so as to make it just a little more difficult to find me.
But over the past year or so, I decided to “come out” and put my real name associated with this blog and the online persona of “Trey Givens” together in an effort to start building a personal brand.
I really saw little risk in doing so given the number of people I know personally, professionally, and through distant observation who put personal information online. Plus, I’ve been blogging since 2003 about a WIDE range of personal topics and it hasn’t lead to anything bad.
Until now. Sort of.
A while back a gentleman contacted me via the internet. I can’t remember even how he said he found me. It was probably YouTube. He was friendly although a little awkward. I was polite, but I felt I was also a bit distant and cool, for example, I wouldn’t answer his questions verbosely and sometimes I wouldn’t respond at all.
But he continued to contact me. He tried to friend me on Facebook, but I declined it. He’s asked me a barrage of questions anonymously via Formspring. I know the questions are from him because the content and style of the questions matched his way of communicating. He would send me random emails with odd articles that he thought would interest me. And now and then he would IM me.
On the surface, this doesn’t sound very bad, take this excerpt from one of our first instant message conversation:
[21:34] Internet Stranger: are you into rifles now?[21:35] Trey: I grew up in the south. There were plenty of guns around.[21:35] Trey: That photo is from OCON. We went out shooting one day.[21:35] Internet Stranger: I dislike guns[21:35] Trey: Why?[21:36] Internet Stranger: I am an RN and have seen alot of gun related injuries Trey[21:36] Trey: I suppose you see a lot of car-related injuries as well, no?[21:37] Internet Stranger: during wet weather[21:37] Internet Stranger: full moon=more gun related[21:38] Internet Stranger: that’s been my experience[21:38] Trey: *shrug*[21:38] Internet Stranger: as in Atlas?[21:39] Trey: No.[21:39] Internet Stranger: oh[21:40] Internet Stranger: do you still have your plants?[21:40] Trey: Yes.[21:40] Internet Stranger: cool[21:40] Trey: Most of them are on the fire escape right now.[21:40] Trey: Two of them are in the kitchen window.[21:40] Internet Stranger: is it hot in nyc?[21:41] Trey: It’s warm and very humid.[21:41] Trey: Most unpleasant in my opinion.[21:41] Internet Stranger: ugh[21:41] Internet Stranger: cool here[21:42] Internet Stranger: I wish you could get on the roof there[21:42] Trey: If I wanted, I’m sure I could find a way.[21:42] Trey: The fire escape goes up there.[21:43] Internet Stranger: You appeared to gravitate to the roof/view in the previous apt.[21:43] Internet Stranger: aren’t you curious about the current view?[21:44] Trey: Mmm… not really.
Admittedly, I could have been MORE distant in that conversation and discouraged further contact, but that’s the kind of conversation that most people would have bailed on in two minutes. It’s a barrage of non sequitur questions to which I respond rather tersely. Notice that this was our very first conversation and he is referencing particular things in my home and from my Facebook profile.
It was off-putting from the start but because I tend to extend a lot of benefit of the doubt to people and so I maintained a civil discourse much like the above… since July.
Finally, I reached the end of my patience with him today when he asked for my address so that he could send me money for my birthday. Apparently, he didn’t understand from my post about my move to Nashville that I was joking when I mentioned my birthday and said, “Send cash so that I don’t have to move a lot of bulky presents.” He even suggested that he might send it to my work. I asked him repeatedly not to do anything. Then, he explained that he thought I was getting fired and that’s why I am moving to Nashville. Apparently, in his experience, “We want you to run the agency business there” is code for “we really wish you would quit and leave us in peace.” Anyway, the whole exchange was so perplexing and strange and — again — overly familiar that I just couldn’t take it any more and decided I needed to address it.
[12:44] Trey: Can I be frank with you?[12:45] Trey: You make me uneasy.[12:45] Internet Stranger: why?[12:45] Trey: You’re overly familiar and somewhat presumptuous.[12:45] Trey: I realize that my openness on my blog and willingness to interact with people online engenders that sort of thing.[12:46] Internet Stranger: I’m sorry[12:46] Trey: But most people understand that there is still a boundary between me and those I don’t know.[12:47] Internet Stranger: Perhaps you should block me if you feel uncomfortable[12:47] Trey: I would prefer not to do that.[12:47] Trey: But I would appreciate it if you remained a silent observer in my life.[12:47] Internet Stranger: Because I can’t say that I will cease contact[12:48] Trey: Why?[12:48] Internet Stranger: I see something I think might interest you, and it’s tempting to send it[12:49] Internet Stranger: regardless of the format[12:49] Trey: Are you this way with all the people you see on the internet?[12:51] Internet Stranger: I guess[12:51] Trey: You guess?[12:51] Trey: It’s very odd and off-putting.[12:51] Trey: My BF says you’re stalking me and that I should block you immediately.[12:51] Trey: I prefer to grant more beenfit of the doubt.[12:52] Trey: but your behavior makes me very uncomfortable.[12:52] Trey: You’re overly familiar and you don’t seem to pick up on the standard cues of civility that would discourage further contact.[12:54] Trey: It’s actually this sort of situation that lead me to maintain an alias online for so many years.[12:56] Internet Stranger: I would appreciate it if you would block me from further contact then. I don’t want to bother you anymore. And I’m sorry for dismissing your cues.[12:56] Trey: See, the fact that you put it on me to stop you from behaving this way is part of the problem.[12:56] Trey: I am going to block you now.[12:56] Trey: Be well.
See? Without saying so, he implied here that he feels compelled to contact me. He doesn’t trust himself to respect my wishes and leave me alone. Scary. I’m not saying “stalker,” but this is as close as I really care to get. Creepster. That’s what I’ll say.
And so now I’ve blocked him from commenting on my blog. I blocked him from Facebook, YouTube, and from emailing me. I blocked him from everywhere I could readily do so.
I’m not really re-thinking attempting to hide my identity again, but maybe I’ll try to remember to cut things like this off earlier, before they can get to the, “I JUST CAN’T STOP EMAILING/FORMSPRINGING/YOUTUBING/FACEBOOKING/IMING YOU” point.
